Friday, 4 November 2011

It's been awhile(as always)

It seems that I'm doing this quite often. Going away for a long long time and then posting few posts and then vanishing again. It's just lately life has felt really really unfair and more confusing than enjoyable.
Waking up every morning is frustating and I feel like hiding from everything. My new school is great. I have nothing against it. Just the whole system is something so disgusting and I have everything against it. I like the school a lot. Compared to earlier one, this one feels like a school where you would wanna go to every morning. But those final exams are just scaring me. A LOT!
Every morning I feel like crying but I keep it to myself. Every evening all that hiding of tears ends in crying and feeling like there is no reason to go on. The exams wouldn't be such a pain in the ass for me if I would had a normal life. Not whole childhood moving from one place to another, without ever learning to use any language properly. Now I'm stuck. I try my best to learn but then I get my essays back and I noticed that all my hard work was a waste of time. Same mistakes done all over again.
Also lately I lost 2 pets, that were dear to me. And my job(which I eventually quitted) wasn't making the recovering from the sorrow any easier. Those pets were my family members and I loved them a lot. Losing them felt like my heart has shattered into little pieces.
I have been lately working out only with my mother. As only in front other people I try to behave like everything is fine. Maybe I should post more here. Maybe it will make me feel better. Maybe nothing will change?
I have always tried to work for my dream but lately my dream has started to feel like it's unreachable and trying to get to it, would only lead me to even more trouble. Eventhought everyone says I shouldn't give up. Why not? At this current state, I can't follow my dream. And later doing it feels like, it's too late already. My fiance keeps saying that there isn't such thing as too late when it comes to my dream. But for me it sounds like a lie.
Oh well only time can tell what my decision will be and I'll have to keep on believing that something good will happen.

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